HRP LETTER SERIES: LETTER TO THE DISPLEASED OR UNFORGIVING FRIEND
It’s been a long week away from you. I do hope last week was great and I hope you had a fun weekend. As we kick off this week, I would love you to acknowledge these little words of mine as one friend to the other. I write to my displeased/unforgiving friend firstly because I have been there and I hope everyone can come out of it.
Obviously, no one can pass through mother earth without claiming that he/she has been offended at one particular time or the other. We just decide to either let it go or take hold of it. With this in view, I would love to share a story with you.
Amara and Dozie had been tight-knit friends from their university days. Amara had gained great importance in the sight of Dozie and even his family. They were always there for each other whenever situations arose. However, as they both collected their certificates and headed to their respective states of service, communication became a problem after a month in service.
Dozie could no longer reach Amara and when he made attempts to reach her through her family, they claimed she called through a call centre. Dozie was worried, he often wondered if he could perhaps rush off to Benue and start lifting up the soil just to find Amara. He however decided to be patient. Amara decided to wait 3 months before showing up in Lagos and she wasn’t just Amara; she was heavily pregnant and engaged.
Dozie couldn’t fix it in when they envetually met. He went to her residence uninvited and surprisingly, her parents were not happy to see him; firstly, he was uninvited, and then unwanted. Their reaction mattered less as when he saw Amara, he rushed and lifted her up just as he used to when they were in the university. Her parents screamed that he put her down because of her condition, he was in awe “what condition?” There was little or no emotion on her face. She pulled him out and that was where the scar was left in Dozie heart “Didn’t you get it? I cut all forms of communication with you, 3 years with nothing to show? Did you think I wouldn’t find someone and keep hanging on to you? I made up my mind to move on. How dare you Dozie? Yes nothing was going on between us officially but you played with my emotions, with all those moments, I had been hoping. And then those pictures you placed all over the internet with one lady in particular. I couldn’t take it anymore, as you can see (she flashed her engagement ring) I’m engaged” “…and heavily pregnant”, Dozie cut in “you didn’t tell me you had any grievance against me, this is not right. We were close and I didn’t harbour any ulterior motive, Amara you went too far”.
Her elder sister had been eaves dropping. She came out of the blues and poured a bucket of dirty water on him. As if it wasn’t enough she used a broom and asked him to get out. Everything till date seemed like a dream, both were offended. Both were wounded, Amara had wounded herself just because of resentment. Dozie however was offended deeply, he couldn’t claim anger, he wasn’t angry but really sad, he wondered if he could forgive himself talk less of Amara.
Has a friend offended you so deeply that you couldn’t even choose the right emotions to qualify your feelings? Perhaps it stirred up resentment and even a scar just like Dozie- he could never bring himself to trust a smile, he entertained a grave fear for people. Has a child displeased you so greatly or a brother that you can’t even come to terms with forgiving him or her? I know it’s hard but the fact remains that you have to let it go. Don’t harm yourself any longer and don’t ever make the mistake of waiting for an apology before you forgive, it may never come. Amara felt she was wronged and she was not ready to apologise.
It is normal to be offended in a shallow way or even as deep as Dozie was, you wouldn’t be given a chance to throw punches at your offender rather you end up punching yourself and maybe blaming yourself. At such points, my friend, you lose yourself to hurt or pain because you cannot bring yourself to forgive and let go.
I once met two brothers who had not spoken for years because of a favouritism rivalry between parents. Both lived opposite each other, had farmlands beside each other, producing yam and beans respectively. These farms were booming. They couldn’t help each other but friends got more from their Unforgiveness why? Because they even competed for friends. I sometimes imagined one brother in need of something from the other, and then he hides his face in pretence of not needing it all because of an offence.
Friend you cannot continue this way, you need to set your heart free and set your emotions loose again to feel good and light. Don’t hold unto hurt, you could lose a lot of opportunities because of an offence and often people who hold unto hurt live with different phobias or the other. Learn to be happy even if it costs you losing your ego of being right.
Till we meet again live free, don’t hold unto hurts. For your suggestions, questions and comments please feel free to drop them in the comments box below. Send us a letter at [email protected]
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