HRP LETTER SERIES: Letter To My Friend About The Scars That Never Healed
It’s a brand new day, I’m glad writing to you, it’s a form of healing to me and I hope as I send my words to you through ink you feel the same way too. Friend today I’m writing to you about the scars that never healed.
Sometimes we hug and end the brawls but most times we don’t talk about how we feel about what happened. It seems terrifying revisiting such issues. Sorry isn’t enough till there’s a clear understanding of what wrong was done and that both parties are well satisfied with the disagreement and would likely never visit the issue again.
I know it’s obviously awkward that an issue comes back few years after it happened and begins to haunt the offender because well the scar on the offended reopened. Without a clear discussion of what happened, there’s always a seed of bitterness lingering behind, a seed of hurt that says, I’m still hurt. Only scars that truly heal don’t hurt when scratched.
So friend, my letter to you is to encourage effective conflict management. This is because, sorry might be an attitude, it might be a norm, it might even be due to a selfblame belief that you are always wrong. Sorry is often not what it seems. At a point in my life, I said sorry because I was told to, because it was a magic word, because it had the capacity to calm the nerves of a violent person. Gradually, friend I lost my voice and opinion to it. The gist here is saying sorry all the time might just be a killer to your self esteem, it could be a tool to cover yourself from the fear of impending violence you either grew up with, or heard about.
There are two or more voices in any conflict, when one is willing to step down to listen, the other should be sacrificial enough to listen to the man who stepped down. Don’t just take a sorry without an explanation. Sorry hurts when you feel you are pulled down, it hurts when you feel you just lost your voice, it turns the other person to a monster before the subconscious mind. The next time this person brings up what was done before, you raise your guard because your scar never healed.
This is not to say the offender is never wrong, the point is to be sure this person needs to be sorry. Imagine placing a bucket of ice cream on the countertop and an unknown person picks it up. Your countenance changes and anger us written on your face, I walk into the room where you are sitting and the next thing I say is I’m sorry, I didn’t take the bowl of ice cream but I could be held accountable for my sorry. That sort of sorry is a guilt-conscious sorry, where’s the place of asking what’s wrong? You could as well conclude that I just came to say sorry for an offense I committed. A quarrel might begin till you see your 3 year old son walk in with the bucket of ice cream.
Don’t just accept sorry, discuss. Don’t just end it with a hug, if there’s more talk about it. Some scars don’t heal with a hug, if the culprit was never caught, you might leave with peace in your heart but the supposed offender feels used. This is quite an abuse of apology. Apologize when it’s worth it, peace begins with a smile, calmness and serenity not with an apology.
Till we meet again friend, talk to your friend about the stubborn scars, discuss till peace is birthed. Do drop a comment, I’d love to know what you think. Send a message on whatsapp to 09057180149 or via mail at [email protected] Till we meet again, have a great day.
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