IN LOVE OR IN A CAGE ?
I’m among those opportune to have gotten admission into the university even through the JAMB hustle and bustle. A straight entry was quite a great joy to my parents. I got an apartment outside campus to top it up.
I had a lot of dreams while going into school. I wanted to be the best of the best and meeting a sophomore who could put me through was among my many wishes. I did meet one, Andrew, who put me through the norms but however my problem began when I met his friend, James.
Andrew, after a while grew an interest in my friend, Tolu, whom I met there in school though in a different department. We did most of the tour of the environment together; to the market, church and almost anywhere at all. Subsequently, we ate together most times.
It was during a period like this that I was making dinner that Andrew introduced his friend James. James didn’t like my cooking that day and it got me really upset. His apology was what got us close.
James knocked at my door one faithful day and when I opened the door, he simply said he came to say he was sorry, and to settle it all, we had lunch together. His visits continued and on a particular day, he slept over at my place. He professed his love to me but I rejected it. My reasons were plain, I was in a relationship (though not of much value to me) but he was willing to be the substitute. He begged through the night but I had made up my mind; child’s play or not, I didn’t want to double date.
The following day I caught him smoking cigarettes and he was quite comfortable with it. I queried him thereafter and he claimed it was a source of relief for him. A way he got rid of his sadness. In other words, it was because of me. I didn’t realise where his actions were leading me but I tried to speak to him. In my heart, I felt like a counselor and decided to speak to him. In the process of speaking to him, he stayed over once more at my place and this time during the conversation, he hugged me and before I knew it, his lips were on mine. We kissed. I adjusted to the situation, but I was in his arms talking till we slept off. The mistake had began.
By morning, I was woken up by a knock on the door. As I opened the door, it was none other than Andrew and Tolu.
It was obvious that it was a plan by the content of Andrew’s words, “the two love birds are awake”. I was stunned but since I had started it all, I wondered how I could walk out. I felt if I pushed James away, he would be back to drinking and I would be a heart breaker.
I played along but soon got tired because I had begun double dating. Overtime, he cried, took cigarettes and hemp till he was filled and obviously subconscious just to throw his mind at me.
He poured out his heart to me on one of these occasions on how he couldn’t cope with me wanting a relationship without sex and even asked for my permission to go on and have it with anyone else. I agreed. The few friends I had which were just three (3) people warned me fequently of how he behaved even before the relationship got serious but I always reported back to him like a child reporting to his mother.
Concerning his request, I was scared that if I didn’t let him have his way with other girls, he’d come at me. He did have his way with girls and even slept with my friend, Tolu in due course. Tolu said nothing about it because she was scared but James confessed. My reaction was what shocked me; I wasn’t moved and I didn’t feel betrayed. Andrew tried to talk to me about the betrayal but I laughed. Then I knew I didn’t love him but couldn’t deter why I still stuck with him.
But… a week after my birthday changed it all. It worsened my situation! We came back from an outing, and when we got into the apartment, he stared at me with so much intent. He looked like a monkey staring at a prized banana. I was about asking when He told me how much he had prepared for the night.
I didn’t help matters- I was dressed in a spaghetti strapped dress; it revealed my cleavage and I paired it with shorts. I felt proud, perhaps he hungered for me but just couldn’t get me.
I had gotten used to the kisses but then that day, he went further to touch my sensitive parts. In detail, he did this in motion of foreplay with my breasts.
This all happened and in my heart, I hadn’t had sex. Indeed, the proper sex never happened but I got addicted to this act. This he fed on.
I wanted him for it and he enjoyed the more. I released my finances and everything I had and he even lived in my house. He practically lived off me.
Soon, knowing his advantage over me, he asked that I licked his manhood, he asked with confidence. I did it. He felt excited even though I was disgusted. In his excitement, he told Andrew and Tolu about it without my consent.
Tolu couldn’t hold it in, she took it like I had won a lottery and she even advised me to continue as it would make my hips grow bigger. She used herself as an example. I felt really ashamed and scared, but they were the people I called friends. I found it hard to leave them and she even suggested we maintained the friendship (a circle of four that no other person can break into).
During the holidays, I got a change of heart and fortunately, James was forced to move out of the house. I called everything off thinking of how much I had been playing a double life but then, he came begging. This time, when we got together, he didn’t touch me, he promised not to but that was exactly what I craved for. The smooching continued again. At some points, his friends came over on a short notice, in other words while in the act they knocked on the door. The act continued, perhaps I grew out of shame even as this continued. I still cooked for him and this time for his friends too.
He didn’t stop smoking either even though he claimed he didn’t. His brother and sometimes his friends and even pictures sold him out.
How did my story, which may practically look like the diary of a shameless African, end? I paid him a visit when things started going wrong for me. I heard he was sick and I felt obligated to see him. I walked hungrily to his house but on getting there, he snobbed me. I asked myself for the first time, that day, a simple question: “What are you doing here?” That question was a step that changed my life.
I never went back there. He called me but I didn’t pick up, he began by sending confident messages claiming that I’d be back since I was under his control. I ignored it all though those times were very painful for me. I feared a lot, I felt everyone knew about me, if someone laughed, I felt I was being ridiculed. I knew nothing that could hide my shame but God didn’t leave me.
I got introduced to a fellowship in school during my time of recuperation and that was what really helped me. Even being there, I was almost used. My first impression was almost ruined when the very first person that asked for my contact, a worker, sought for a relationship.
Through the church, I attended a program in which I found my purpose. It came as a question from God. It was a choice for me to either do it or not. I finally gave my life to Christ and soon I had made friends with the holyspirit. My life knowing God was quite a process and getting rid of those fears is just the least of what God has done for me.
I did meet James about a month later but it was a total end for both of us, he kept crying though. His fake tears were the first point of blackmail. A point at which, I’d feel wicked for leaving him.
I had my tears the moment I asked myself, or maybe, that question was divine as it reset my memory. It’s a question many youths need to ask, “what are you doing there?” I didn’t look for Love but love found me in the midst of my mess. Love casted out all fears even though, of course, accusing fingers were pointed at me. People who knew my past came forward but my present Jesus gave me a smile. Love covered it all up!