MY LONELY PATH
Ruminating over the past series of “Tears of the youths”, I felt I should tell my story. It all seems to move down the same path though with a twist, teenagers/youths in search of love and wondering what exactly has left them stranded. Loneliness isn’t seen as much of a big deal but it bites deeper than we see. It’s a silent disease.
My story in particular started before regrets and the tears came into my life. I had been a child often stigmatised by people. I felt lonely around my parents and everyone at home, my life seemed to matter more to me alone.
I enrolled for A’ Levels Novermber 2011, during which I was taking lessons towards the examination. And though I didn’t relate much with my parents or anyone at home, because they seemed not to always understand me I got a few friends at last during my IJMB(A’ Levels) days.
Things were going fine, until after the exams, I didn’t meet up with the expected mark needed to gain admission into university, and friends seemed to leave without saying goodbye. I became hurt and deeply disappointed in myself. I lost many of those friends and the rest I pushed away. Definitely, my reason was I didn’t want anyone to remind me of what was going on with me. Loneliness set in once more.
I was labelled a problem at home and as I walked the streets, I felt weird. I felt abnormal. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to find a solution, that was when I heard of a church where prayers were answered quickly.
Well, that information led me to what I could never have imagined. As I sat before the minister on that faithful day, he listened intently to my ordeal. He told me thereafter that I had a spiritual problem as what was going on wasn’t normal, he added that he’d need to conduct some prayers with me but to my surprise he said the deliverance will involve me laying with him, that is having sex with him.
Of course, I was young and a virgin at that time and really didn’t expect what he said. I left the church and never went back, more so, I couldn’t explain to my parents why.
While battling with loneliness and depression, I gave the school remedial a try. That was when I met Jibola. The only guy who seemed to fight his way, though I pushed everyone away. He seemed devoted to me and gave me the attention I had always wished for. Indeed, I loved him.
We both started a relationship, though on a platonic base. As the days passed, I grew more and more into him. It wasn’t much of a wonder that by my will, he deflowered me. The intimacy grew so much that sex became quite a normal thing.
But…Maybe, it’s a myth to people but I know God comes back for His own. I got pregnant for Jibola when I least expected. I was scared and frustrated, how it landed into a baby. I don’t know how it feels to lose a child but I know how it feels to kill one because I killed my baby. The disappointment and disgrace was too much for me to bear.
I became very traumatised and sick. An ailment that got me unconscious and one which no one was able to diagnose. While in that state, my family members pushed blames and specifically held my uncle as a suspect for raping me as he had done so with two other girls in the past.
Honestly, my story doesn’t end in a tragedy. When I regained consciousness, I seemed to gain a new life. I found love where I never searched- that’s my pain, my tears. We really should love when ready and not lonely.
Who am I to advice parents? I’m someone with a testimony, children need love, they need God, don’t let them search for it where they never should.