RIPPLES FROM YESTERDAY
There are a lot of reasons to hold unto resentment towards people who hurt you, and a lot more to have a dozen regrets. There is only one reason not to do any of that…Take a walk with me.
The heat of love is felt when it’s your first time. You are practically blinded. Maybe I could change things but I know I can’t. Maybe you would understand but you probably won’t.
It was the 22nd of January, 2015, my 20th birthday, of course I have no reason to forget my own birthday but one incident remains crested in my heart. Don’t move quickly, it’s just starting.
Tola was my first love, I was head over heels in love with him, not even my mother could stop me from being with him on my birthday. We had been together for 5 years so there was no iota of doubt towards him even when we were left alone. Like every other year, I went over to his house to celebrate my birthday and we had a few drinks and I even slept off thereafter. I sure had fun on that particular day.
Being my heart throb, I couldn’t be without him so l went to Tola’s place a week later. I had been having waist pains before then and even discussed it with him as I hid nothing from him. We laughed and talked about a lot of things and discussing things that concerned me wasn’t any different. He teased me that I was already turning into a woman and those changes were perhaps the signs but as I got off his bed, I noticed some blood stains on his bed sheet. I was sure it wasn’t my period, so I checked him and asked if he had hurt himself. Tola quickly said no and explained that his cousin had made out with a lady and she was most probably a virgin, so the blood stains. I held my hands over my mouth and told him how proud I was of the respect he had in me even though he was surrounded with a person like his cousin.
A month after my birthday, I started feeling ill with slight headaches that sometimes resulted in a fever, much worse, I was turning pale, so I decided to meet a lady in the medical field that I trusted a lot. I was however surprised as she started asking funny questions. I had missed my period but paid no attention to it as I had been under a lot of stress. She asked if I had engaged in sex. I was very sure that I was a virgin- I explained to her.
I was in much shock and from the manner at which she spoke, I even began to doubt myself. She noticed my countenance and said she would conduct a PT (pregnancy test). I was confident that I wasn’t pregnant and asked her to go ahead.
The test came out positive and I was in a dilemma. The question in my head at that point was how? I just couldn’t place my hands on what was going on, what was Tola going to say? That I had been lying for 5 years? Definitely, I was no virgin Mary. I mustered courage and called Tola. He came almost as soon as I called. He explained that he also didn’t understand, he in fact questioned the test. I couldn’t help myself but cry because I really didn’t know where to start from, the disgrace that would follow wouldn’t be easy to bear. I knew something was definitely wrong.
While still crying, Tola came towards me and pulled me closer, he was just saying, “sorry”. I felt he was consoling me but then he continued, explaining how he drugged me and practically raped me on my own birthday and that he cleaned me up, the blood stains were in fact mine. Yes, mine.
I was torn within, all I could scream out was, “how could you, Tola?” He apologised and we agreed to get rid of the baby, there was too much at risk.
I tried all sorts of things: drugs, herbal mixtures and the likes but all to no avail even to the extent of risking my life. Tola even at the point of begging claimed his reason was simply that he couldn’t wait any longer, 5 years was a long time.
I considered the last resort, an abortion but we both didn’t have the resources. The lady that conducted the test took me to a matron that said it would cost me #10,000. Tola didn’t have any money, I was forced to take it out of my school fees.
I cannot explain my terrible experience doing that but soon after Tola came back begging. He persisted that we couldn’t go our separate ways in such a manner. He knew how much I loved him and used it as a tool.
I agreed but just 8 months later, he was back asking for sex again. I thought it through especially my past ordeal on the same issue, I knew I was dining with the devil. I decided to end the relationship once and for all. He begged but when he saw that I wasn’t going to change my mind, he just stopped calling and texting.
That was my first experience, I felt I was just understanding what it meant to be an adult but, no, that wasn’t it. It could happen at anytime and to anyone. Being judgmental? Teenage passion is like a wild fire or it grows to be one.
Last year, I met Mide- tell me what you need in a man and I’ll show you Mide. His well built features swept me away and his smile that revealed a perfect set of teeth, I could even tell you he was the best match for a tooth paste advert.
My past haunted me but I shared my ordeal with him. He promised me that even if I got pregnant, he was real and would never leave me. I decided however not to have sex with him. He also wanted sex too.
I was opened to the heat but I stood my ground. I decided to be watchful since his intentions started becoming questionable only for me to find that the cat hidden in his bag was more than it looked.
Mide was engaged and his fiancée was away so he was just using me to while away time.
This was a blow for me as it really brought me down, it broke me. I felt like a big fool, I fought with depression, regrets, you name it. All that resounded to me was the fact that all they wanted was my body.
It was in this state of mine, I met Lanre. Not another casanova, I can assure you but a true friend. Lanre couldn’t understand my actions so he decided to know the root cause of why I had a nonchalant attitude towards a lot of things. I opened up to him. He taught me how to smile again, like I started and I complete in his words, “There is only one reason not to do any of that which is: your past can never determine your future, when a child is born, he takes a step after the other before he finds his feet, be happy because it’s not the end yet”.
In the midst of Tola and Mide’s circle, there are still good people out there. Searching for hope? Your male or female friends might just be the light. If you can see some good in them, there’s certainly some good out there.