LETTER TO GOD
I’ve thought about killing myself in the past few days because I just couldn’t work it out. I couldn’t work out the break up, the feeding problems, the bills, the debts, the frustration and the embarrassment of being called a failure.
You know lord, I couldn’t help to think that I had become a failure to family, to friends, close friends and even best friends. I stayed up nights crying hoping my tears were speaking some sort of silent words to you since I couldn’t let family know that I was already a broken being.
So lord, I decided we should just end it but then I realised I’d be failing you too. You have silently watched people give up on me and I give up on myself but life seemed the reasonable reply that you hadn’t given up on me.
I had gotten accustomed to rejection in the days past as tears fed me more than a meal. Even when I’d eat, it seemed I had gotten an eating disorder because of depression. When I ate too much, it was to rid myself of pain and eating little was my own way of feeling guilt. But Lord you still wouldn’t let me fall ill with either ulcer or obesity or indigestion. You have silently shown me how I would never lose what to praise you for.
So when I imagined holding the knife, I imagined your eyes on me. When I imagined jumping off the bridge, your hand was outstretched waiting for me to leave the bridge. When I imagined the noose, I heard, “you’re not alone.”
So this letter is to thank you for getting past my imaginations and giving me another chance to live. When I woke up from those thoughts, I finally knew that living meant You, loving meant seeing You in others. Laughing meant, one day I’d peacefully be with You.